MLS First Kick, Part Two: Portland 3 - 1 Philadelphia

ESPN revealed why it is the supreme network for football coverage this evening.  Apparently the enormous dearth of commentating talent has resulted in the two worst football commentators known to man being the two color commentators for Major League Soccer's nationally televised games this year.  After I had the displeasure of listening to the insipid comments of Kyle Martino yesterday, I was quite horrified by the prospect of listening to Taylor Twellman during this evening's game.  If anyone can give Martino a run in the World's Worst Football Commentator (WWFC) competition, it's Twellman.  

But the guys in the studio for ESPN were good as usual.  Alexi Lalas's comments are usually insightful and frequently provocative, and this year, ESPN has added Kasey Keller to the crew.  While it felt mildly like he was shouting his insights at the viewers, what he did have to say was worthwhile, and when Lalas offered a particularly negative comment about expansion team Montreal Impact's prospects for this season, Keller was there to offer a little encouragement to their supporters.  

The play-by-play commentator turned out to be none other than every Barca fan's favorite, Adrian Healey, who so consistently waxes poetic about Barcelona that I'm convinced he must have fallen in love there.  He makes me look unbiased when talking about FC Barcelona, not that I'm complaining about his predilections, though.  Needless to say, I've never had an issue with his commentary, and he was in typically eloquent form tonight, making alliteration at will ("pandemonium in Portland") and offering statements that enhanced my enjoyment of the game - something unusual in most sports commentary at the moment.  

What really set ESPN apart however, was the way they must have coached Twellman to just shut up and let Healey do his thing.  Healey's used to commentating on Spanish Primera games for which he's the only commentator, so he doesn't really require a color commentator.  I found tonight that for long periods, I had forgotten that Twellman was even in the booth with him.  Who knows, maybe Twellman just had bowel troubles and was constantly off in the restroom.  Whatever it was, it worked.  Twellman's comments were usually on the worthless side (he went on about Tweeting and e-mailing rather too much), but he did once or twice offer some insight into tactics and movement on the field.  Mostly, though, he allowed Healey to run the show and offered color commentary at down points in the match.  

The game itself was a rather odd affair.  After a first half that could have been an advertisement for the Premier League (30 seconds of the first half followed by a voice-over saying: "You want to watch that?"), the second half turned out to be a thrilling encounter.  Philadelphia got on the board first after a great ball was whipped into the box from a free-kick.  It was officially scored as own goal, which seems at bit harsh, as the shot was on target before a minimal deflection off a Portland player.  

The Union goal seemed to fire up the Timbers, though, and the one- and two-touch passing that coach John Spencer has implemented in Portland started working to great effect.  The pace of Kalif Alhassan, Jorge Perlaza, Diego Chara, and the overlapping fullbacks, and the solid passing of Captain Jack Jewsbury and Eric Alexander really looked like it would pay dividends.  It would be an error from the young Philadelphia goalie, however, that would get Portland back into the game.  A simple header from Andrew Jean-Baptiste (also credited with the own goal) should have been saved by 20-year-old Zac MacMath, but the ball squirted under his arms and into the side netting.  

From that point on, the Timbers didn't look back.  It was Alhassan who created the second - his cross was met by Scotland's finest, Kris Boyd, who headed home on his MLS debut.  It was arguably the best goal of the night, and fully merited by the great play from Portland. 

Portland's third goal also came from Alhassan.  A quick free kick from Jewsbury short down the right flank left Alhassan short, but he took a quick touch around the defender and sent in a lovely chip that he was most likely intended as a cross, but some somehow sailed over the helpless MacMath and into the side netting.  It was a delicate finish, the kind Lionel Messi has been making look commonplace in the last week.  Whether Alhassan meant it or it was a happy accident, it made for beautiful viewing.  

Portland could well be a force to be reckoned with this season.  I have rarely seen an MLS team play one- and two-touch football of the caliber Portland played in the second half.  They really looked like they could have been competing in the English League Championship, or perhaps one of the lesser European leagues (Belgium, Switzerland, maybe the Eredivisie).  

My enthusiasm for Portland's play may well have been influenced by the absolutely marvelous atmosphere inside the stadium.  I don't think there was a minute of the entire match where the fans weren't singing or chanting.  It was veritable pandemonium when Portland scored - flags waving, green smoke bombs turning the entire stadium into that deep green of the Pacific Northwest, fans jumping up and down.  It made me want to hop on a plane to Portland to be sure I could catch the next Timbers game.  

Overall, this was a far better advertisement for American soccer than yesterday's fixture.  Better commentary; better atmosphere; better game.  Who cares that the game didn't feature Thierry Henry?  It featured Kris Boyd, and I'm betting Boyd scores more than Henry this year anyway.  Tonight was the real beginning of MLS season.  A great fixture to mark the start of what we all hope will be a great year.  To MLS!

MLS First Kick 2012 Review

Having only watched 1.5 football matches through the middle of Sunday, I decided I'd take in the first match of the MLS season this afternoon.  Well, at least that's what I thought MLS First Kick would be.  As it turns out, the first matches of the MLS season were yesterday.  Matches?  Yes, there were five of them played yesterday.  And how many of them were televised in the US?  None.  That's right.  The first match of the new season wasn't on television in this country.  Nor was the second, or the third, fourth, or fifth.

Can you imagine if on opening day of baseball season there were no games on television?  Or what if on the first week of NFL season you had to wait until Monday night to watch any football?  There would be public outcry!  People would be irate at the cable companies and the league for not providing access to these events.  But instead, Sunday afternoon rolled around and NBC Sports (my vitriol about them is coming shortly) proceeds to act as if they are broadcasting the first game of the season and talking about what an historic moment this is because it's the first time the MLS is being shown on NBC Sports, a television station which didn't exist at the end of the last MLS season.  Really, it was your first broadcast?  No shit.  

Smartly, NBC Sports decided they wanted to hire experienced commentators.  There had been a lot of complaints about Fox Soccer Channel's MLS coverage over the past few seasons, and going out and getting experienced commentators would fix most of the problem, right?  Well, their first choice was a good one.  NBC Sports hired Arlo White, formerly the Seattle Sounders' play-by-play announcer to be their lead man for MLS telecasts.  I hadn't listened to Arlo White before, but he was excellent today, and I look forward to hearing him commentate on MLS games in the future.  

Of course, NBC Sports couldn't do everything right, could they?  Of course not.  Their second "experienced" commentator - the new color guy for MLS - is really just the OLD color guy for MLS.  Yes, NBC Sports hired everyone's least favorite commentator Kyle which-is-the-team-in-red Martino to be the color man.  I've already gone nuts about Kyle Martino's commentary before, and it looks like I'm going to be doing so regularly again.  Or at least I will until I've gotten so tired of the cacophony of idiocy jingling around in my mind that I decide only to watch the telecasts in Spanish.

As for the football (oh right, it's MLS, soccer), it wasn't that bad.  Henry and Lindpere looked like decent passers of the ball for the Red Bulls while Kenny Cooper was good up front when he came on, and Ricardo Villar, Blas Pérez, Fabian Castillo (until he went off injured), Brek Shea, and Carlos Rodríguez all looked good going forward for Dallas.  Having watched only elite football for the past couple of months, it was difficult not to get frustrated by those times when players simply failed to control the ball and it would roll out for a throw in, or when they would fail to deliver a basic cross while being unmarked.  

Nevertheless, the quality of MLS is higher than it was a decade ago.  I'd proclaim the Beckham Rule to be a success so far.  Players like Beckham, Henry, and Guillermo Barros-Schelotto (when he was playing) have certainly raised the level of play of their colleagues as well.  It was frustrating to watch Henry today, though, as every time his teammates didn't read his mind, he threw a little hissy fit on the field.  As someone not known for that type of behavior, it really must be an indication of just how poor the decision-making of some of the players in MLS is.  

One more gripe about MLS before I sit back and allow us to celebrate the beginning of the season.  I'll be watching the Columbus Crew twice this year. That's how many of their games are being televised.  The number for the LA Galaxy?  14.  This would be understandable if the difference in quality between the two were enormous.  In the Premier League, the best teams consistently play on Sunday afternoon, as both Manchester clubs did today.  But the Crew made the playoffs last year after finishing fourth in the eastern division.  They're a good team - better than the NY Red Bulls (who will be on national TV 15 teams).  And then the league wonders why the fan base is so small in Columbus, Kansas City (6), and Salt Lake City (4). It also makes it harder for these teams to sign players under the Beckham rule in the future because foreign stars are less likely to want to sign for a club they've never heard of.  They would be less likely to go to one of these three cities in the first place, so this television issue isn't causing the problem, but it is exacerbating it.  Here's the full TV schedule (I've omitted the games on Galavisión from my tabulations)  

So now, here's the MLS season - a relatively meaningless venture.  The league title doesn't mean anything.  It's all about the playoffs.  So we'll watch, hoping to be slightly above average for the next five months.  If we are, then we can start caring for real in October.  So here's to a season where I'll never be able to watch my team, want to be deaf after listening to the color commentator for three games, and doesn't mean anything anyway.  And the league wonders why people have a hard time getting excited about soccer in this country...

Mexico 4 - 2 USA

I don't really have all that much to say about the match. The US scored two goals against the run of play in the first half which were erased by halftime. And although Dempsey hit the crossbar and Bradley had a volley go just wide, the US was just not as good as Mexico.

I could grip a little about the referee. Donovan's yellow card was a foul about 1/3 as bad as a dozen fouls committed by Mexico, and one Mexican player appeared to intentionally kick Freddy Adu in the face, but everyone prefers to see the teams judged on their merits. And it would have taken an extraordinary amount of assistance from the referee to have gotten the US to a point where this appeared to be the case.

So instead of talking about the game, I'm going to talk about the commentary by JP Dellacamera and Kyle Martino on the Fox Soccer Channel. I had found the English-language commentary so awful earlier in the tournament that for several games, I went back and forth to Univisión to watch in Spanish. Of course, the problem with Univisión is that it's Mexican, so they have a natural bias against the US. For the other matches, the bias wasn't too bad because they seemed to want to see a US-Mexico final anyway, but tonight was unbearable, so I returned to the dulcet tones Dellacamera and Martino.

Grievance 1, Dellacamera states the obvious. During the first half of the first knock-out stage game, against Jamaica, Dellacamera mentioned no less than 3 times that should the US lose, they would be out of the tournament. Thanks, JP, I didn't know that. Tonight he expounded on the fact that having a two goal lead gives a team more of an advantage than having a one goal lead. Now his job is to provide the commentary, so he was attempting to go into different areas of the game, which he shouldn't normally, but it was almost understandable in this instance because the color commentary and analysis from Martino was so bad.

Grievance 2, Martino doesn't know how to refer to his own country. The United States requires an article before its use. One cannot say "United States have the ball," nor can one say, "It's been a good run of play for United States." No. Instead, the article "the" is required. "The United States have the ball." "It's been a good run of play for the United States." Basic English grammar should be a requirement for anyone whose job description involves communicating.

Grievance 3, Martino's idiocy and narcissism. In the first half, after the United States scored the second goal, Martino suggested that the Mexican fans who dominated the stadium (I'll get back to that) wouldn't be singing any more "Olé's." The game was less than a half-hour in. It's impossible to suggest that the game is over after thirty minutes. What on earth was he thinking. But his attempt to compensate for the error was even worse. When, during the closing minutes, the Mexicans passed the ball around the field to a renewed chorus of "Olé's," Martino intimated that they were doing so simply because he had said it wouldn't happen. The world doesn't revolve around you, Kyle.

Grievance 4, the constant segments with Brian Dunseth down on the field. I don't know why they ever cut to him in the first place given that half the time the technology to do so doesn't work anyway. On the Univisión broadcast by comparison, they cut to Hugo Sanchez in Cancún for analysis without any problems. Of course, the bigger difference between Hugo Sanchez and Brian Dunseth is that Sanchez actually knows something about soccer. Dunseth frequently doesn't even know a bit of information about what's going on in the game he's watching when they can actually cut to him anyway.

Grievance 5, the utter lack of passion. All three of Dellacamera, Martino, and Dunseth seem to have attended the Lobotomized Patients' Academy for Learned Vapidity. It is the only possible explanation for how they can be so unenthusiastic when the Americans score. Even if you find the elongated "Goooooooooooool" from the Mexican commentators to be a bit much, English announcers get excited when the English national team scores. Spanish commentators get excited when the Spanish national team scores. Why can't American commentators get excited when the US national team scores.

Grievance 6, lack of vocabulary. The only time anyone got excited tonight was when Dos Santos scored a remarkable chip shot to kill the game off. Martino got out a couple of "ridiculous"es, but that was it. It wasn't masterful, artful, exquisite, technically brilliant, sublime, majestic, other-worldly, deft, beautiful, or stunning. It was "ridiculous"... multiple times.

Grievance 7, the Rose Bowl? Pasadena? Really? From the time the game started, the Mexicans had the momentum in part because the crowd was solidly behind them. Given that the game took place in southern California, this isn't really all that surprising. BUT WHY ON EARTH WAS THE GAME BEING PLAYED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA? The US Soccer Federation has to expect that the final is going to be between the US and Mexico, so for the love of God schedule the game someplace where there are fewer Mexican-Americans. Seattle would be one option. Washington, D.C. would be another. Columbus, Ohio. St. Louis. Foxborough. Even San Francisco. It's a decision made not in the interests of the team, but in the financial well-being of the organization.