Thanksgiving

Every year, Thanksgiving is a time to be with family and, as the name suggests give thanks for those things that make your life better. This tradition is a great one, and I want to take nothing away from it. I would, however, like to expand in two directions.

First, I'd like to encourage you to express your gratitude to those people who may not know that they have had an impact on your life. Maybe there's someone you interacted with only briefly, but made a huge impact on your life. Or maybe you only got to know someone professionally, but even in that capacity the person made a big impact and doesn't know. These can often be the most rewarding messages of thanks to receive.

Second, it wouldn't be a Digression if it didn't include haughty derisive criticism, so I've compiled a Top 10 list of people and organizations which deserve our thanks in spite of all evidence to the contrary:

10) Jerry Sandusky - Not only did he bring down the best college football program in the FBS, he has managed to consume "news" headlines for practically an entire month. At least we got a little bit of entertainment out of his interview with Bob Costas. Raping little boys is also a big minus. We can, however, thank his case for bringing awareness to institutions that perpetuate systems of hierarchy and oppression.

9) UNESCO - UNESCO is - scratch that - WAS an important organization of the UN. That was before it decided to welcome Palestine as a member. Don't get me wrong, of course Palestine deserves statehood, but the only thing welcoming Palestine into UNESCO did was to cut their funding by 20% because the US was obligated to stop funding them. Now they're considering taking money from Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, the dictator of Equatorial Guinea who has amassed a vast fortune exploiting the have-nots in one of the must unequal societies in the world. Why do we thank UNESCO - for showing how truly incompetent the current iteration of world governance can be.

8) Herman Cain - the man is accused of sexual assault by four women, seems to have no clue of whether Libya is a continent, a country, or the girl next door, and has an odd numerological fascination with the number 9. Cain is proof of just how insane the combination of a fanatic right-wing American public and a media willing to buy into the game show "Anyone But Romney" really is. If anyone ever wakes up and realizes, it will be because This is Herman Cain.

7) Congress - Failed Supercomittee, Passed a reaffirmation of a reaffirmation of the motto "In God We Trust" which was originally passed only 55 years ago, and reaffirmed unnecessarily for the first time 5 years ago. Thank you, for giving everyone else in the country a self-esteem boost. Now we all know that there are people who are even more stubborn, anti-social, and difficult to interact with than we are.

6) Kim Kardashian - You are famous because you are famous. You possess no skills, talents, particular beauty, or anything else that would otherwise distinguish you from most Americans other than your wealth. Nonetheless you have managed to parlay your wealth into fame and that fame into even more wealth. Thank you for epitomising the reproduction of capital. Also, you win an award for most fitting name anagram: Khaki Sin Drama. Yeah, that seems about right.

5) Police - I know, I know, you keep us safe. But you turn up with guns and pepper spray at non-violent Occupy rallies and don't even bother showing up for Tea Party gun rallies? Thank you, for revealing the ridiculousness of weaponry at a non-violent protest, with a special shoutout to the University of California police.

4, 3, 2, and 1) Sporting Bureaucracy. NCAA, FIFA, Bud Selig, Roger Goodell, take your pick. The NCAA, that upstanding body that protects the scholastic integretiy of our young student-athletes, has now decided it too wants a piece of the Jerry Sandusky pie. Thank you for reminding us not to be greedy at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Bud Selig decided his own team should play in the National League, so moved it there a decade ago, creating imbalanced leagues. Now everyone knows why because Major League Baseball paid off the new Houston Astros owner to move to the American League, when the team has always been in the National League. Thank you, for reminding us that conflict of interest ALWAYS results in bad decisions. Roger Goodell lays out indiscriminate and arbitrary fines for "unlawful" hits. Thank you for demonstrating how autocratic rule, even over people who aren't losing anything of value (what's $25,000 out of several million a year?), results in civil discontent. To the NBA Lockout, thank you for reminding us of the utility of collective bargaining, even if you are all greedy bastards. And finally, to FIFA (and Sepp Blatter), thank you for demonstrating the true incompetence of bloated bureaucracy and old age.

So in spite of their mishaps, let's give thanks for these abhorrent people and institutions. If we cannot learn from them, are we really any better than them?

Sepp Blatter is not a Giant Bird

Sepp Blatter, believe it or not, is not a giant bird. There have been some suggestions he is a chicken, and while in the metaphorical sense, this is definitely true, his physical appearance more closely resembles a slightly addled sloth. There have also been a number of suggestions that he is an ostrich. While his head is certainly stuck in the sand, and he does seem to get his feathers ruffled rather easily, I'm glad to report that soccernet.com has officially declared that he is not an ostrich either - see the caption.

This latest report comes amid yet another public relations disaster for the FIFA executive (the possibility of Blatter being a baboon has not yet been categorically denied) in which he claimed that there is no racism on the football pitch. And whatever racism there is can be resolved with a simple handshake at the end of the match.

Several months ago, Blatter came under fire for suggesting that gays and lesbians attending the World Cup in Qatar (the bribery capital of the world) 2022 refrain from engaging in sexual activities. His comments on racism are just another in a long line of obvious ignorance about the oppression of othered peoples in our world.

Perhaps when attempting to find the animal most suited to Blatter's personality, we should be looking a bit larger. He demonstrates all the sensitivity of a horny rhinoceros.