Sepp Blatter is not a Giant Bird

Sepp Blatter, believe it or not, is not a giant bird. There have been some suggestions he is a chicken, and while in the metaphorical sense, this is definitely true, his physical appearance more closely resembles a slightly addled sloth. There have also been a number of suggestions that he is an ostrich. While his head is certainly stuck in the sand, and he does seem to get his feathers ruffled rather easily, I'm glad to report that soccernet.com has officially declared that he is not an ostrich either - see the caption.

This latest report comes amid yet another public relations disaster for the FIFA executive (the possibility of Blatter being a baboon has not yet been categorically denied) in which he claimed that there is no racism on the football pitch. And whatever racism there is can be resolved with a simple handshake at the end of the match.

Several months ago, Blatter came under fire for suggesting that gays and lesbians attending the World Cup in Qatar (the bribery capital of the world) 2022 refrain from engaging in sexual activities. His comments on racism are just another in a long line of obvious ignorance about the oppression of othered peoples in our world.

Perhaps when attempting to find the animal most suited to Blatter's personality, we should be looking a bit larger. He demonstrates all the sensitivity of a horny rhinoceros.

Jamaica 0 - 2 USA

The US dominated a Jamaica side that looked less like the team that dominated its group in the opening round of the Gold Cup than like the side that hasn't beaten the US in their last 26 meetings. It could have been 1-0 Jamaica inside 5 minutes when a mix-up in the US defense saw Michael Bradley keep everyone onside, but Shelton somehow skewed his shot over from 8 yards with only Howard to beat, and Jamaica wouldn't get another chance anywhere near that good for the rest of the match.

The big headline in the buildup to the game was the exclusion of Landon Donovan from the American starting lineup. Evidently both he and Clint Dempsey had attended their sisters' weddings, and the conditions resulted in only the latter getting a start. Dempsey showed no signs of fatigue from the flights and was very active throughout the first half. He did, however, demonstrate that his impotence in front of goal wasn't wearing off. The truth of the matter was that it seemed Dempsey was just as effective taking free kicks from 30 yards as heading from 3 or 4, after he somehow managed to head into Rickets from inside the six.

Dempsey's ineffectiveness in front of goal was characteristic of the team as a whole. In many respects, the first half against Jamaica looked very similar to the second half against Guadeloupe; the US created tons of chances without being able to find the back of the net.

That changed early in second half after a cross from Eric Lichaj was cleared right to the feet of Jermaine Jones who lashed a thunderous drive which Rickets most likely would have saved had it not been for the intervention of Jermaine Taylor, who diverted the ball into the back of his own net. The goal was credited to Jones, but it was the deflection that took it in.

The two Jermaines would meet again twenty minutes later when Jones burst through the Jamaica back line and Taylor slid in from behind. Jones fell and replays called into question whether or not there was contact. It appeared as if the heel of Jones hit the underside Taylor's leg, but the contact was minimal at most. Mexican referee Marco Rodriguez Moreno had no choice once he blew for a foul; Taylor had to go.

But as the game wore on, Jones may have been questioning his own decision to go down. Jamaica were gradually getting back into the game, and one goal would have forced overtime. Had Jones stayed on his feet, the most likely outcome would have been a goal.

Fortunately for the Americans, the two brothers of newlyweds would leave their mark on the game and put all doubts to rest in the 80th minute. Donovan was in the middle of a lovely one-two with Juan Agudelo, who had come on for the injured Jozy Altidore early in the first half. Agudelo then played in a beautiful cross for an unmarked Dempsey, who still had to dance around Rickets before prodding home. Dempsey washed his face in celebration, hoping to indicate that he had cleansed himself of the drought of goals brought about by nothing more than his own apathy in front of goal.

Throughout the match, Bradley and Jones covered an enormous amount of ground in midfield. Alejandro Bedoya was dangerous on the wings before being replaced by Donovan. Sacha Kljestan and Bradley showed excellent vision. And Clarence Goodson was a rock at the back, with a number of good clearances and tackles. Jones probably takes man of the match for his role in two of the three most important moments, but it was an excellent display overall by the Americans.

The US now await the winner of the Panama - El Salvador match later today. Check back in after the semifinal for a recap of that game as well.

USA 1 - 0 Guadeloupe

The US went into the game tonight playing for second place in the group. After Canada’s 1-1 draw with Panama, they end up on four points and Panama on seven. That means that US needed only a draw against Guadeloupe to progress, holding both the head-to-head and goal difference tiebreakers with Canada. A win, however, should be the minimum demanded of the players after their pathetic loss to Panama.

Bob Bradley opted to pair Bocanegra with Goodson in the center of defense with Eric Lichaj coming in to play left back. The only other change from the starting lineups from the previous two games is the replacement of Agudelo with Wondolowski.

The game got off to a cracking start and Guadeloupe should have been up 1-0 inside 5 minutes when Lichaj blocked a shot onto the crossbar. But that was as close as Guadeloupe would come to the American net. The Americans responded immediately, however, and Dempsey forced the Guadeloupe goalie Grandel into his first of many excellent saves from a dipping free kick. Inside 10 minutes Altidore put away the only goal of the game, picking up the ball about 30 yards out, taking a touch, and firing a stunning drive into the top corner. Although it looked as if Grandel might have done better, it was an excellent strike. One hopes that it opens the floodgates for Altidore.

The rest of the first half contained a plethora of chances for the US. Cherundolo and Lichaj did well getting down the flanks, and Wondolowski had some good hold-up play through the middle. Bradley and Jones were spraying the ball all around the field with great aplomb. But the US really should have scored at least one or two more.

One had the feeling the second half might bring the glut of goals many Americans had been waiting for. But the only good chance fell to Dempsey, who hit another brilliant free kick off the crossbar. But that was the only bright spot for Dempsey in what may well have been the worst half he's ever played for the US. Donovan, Dempsey, Wondolowski, and others all missed real sitters.

It's been a tremendously disappointing group stage for the US. If they play like they did in any of these games against Jamaica on Sunday, they'll go out of tournament at the quarterfinal stage. And even if they improve a little bit, there's no way they're going to come close to beating Mexico who have just been fantastic in every game so far.

Man of the Match: Franck Grandel, GK. He was fantastic for Guadeloupe, racking up 9 saves, which didn't include several forays to pick up loose balls or crosses.